The Adventures and misadventures
April 2017
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Not all Scots are mad but I am

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We all need fun in our lives and this is what this page is about. Please do not be offended by anything on this page as it is only for fun, so enjoy this page.
My best friends in Scotland are fro Asia and my grand-daughter is Irish so if I show jokes about the Irish or other nationalities, no insult is meant. Thank you.

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?”

About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”

About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”

About 15 students raise their hand.

“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?

Three students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further…Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, “So, Hamad , tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?”

Hamad replied, “Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats.”

EVE’S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. ‘So, how is everything going?’ inquired God.

‘It is all so beautiful, God,’ she replied. ‘The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It’s these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They’re a real pain..’

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more ‘symmetrically balanced’.

‘That’s a fair point,’ replied God, ‘But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.’

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

‘ Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?’
‘Just fantastic,’ she replied, ‘But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.’

God thought for a moment and said, ‘You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.. Let’s see…where did I put that useless Tit?’

Now doesn’t THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

Some short jokes

1. My wife was counting all the 2 P and 5P coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry
and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, “She’s going through the change.”

2. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of blokes saying that
they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a
woman. What a pair of sexist nutters. I mean, it’s not as if she’d have
to reverse the bloody thing!

3. Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks
him, “Where is Pakistan ?” He replies, “Outside playing with Paki-
Dave”.

4. Local Police hunting the ‘knitting needle nutter’ who has stabbed
six people in the backside in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker
could be following a pattern.

5. Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday but it went off before I
could eat it!

6. A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea
break and when he returns he notices his pick has gone missing. The
bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins
at the bear and says “Oh, I forgot to tell you, today’s the day the
teddy bears have their pick nicked.”

7. Murphy says to Paddy “What ya talkin to an envelope for?”
Paddy answers, “I’m sending a voicemail ya thick sod!”

8. Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on
the head with a tennis ball. It was a perfect service.

9. 19 paddies go to the cinema, and the ticket lady asks “Why so many of
you?” Mick replies, “The film said 18 or over.”

10. Bindair and his family have moved in next door. He is from India
and has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and
climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his full
name was Bindair Dundat.

 Just thinking about Tesco

Reading the label on these Tesco burgers…. it turns out they’re fairly low in fat, but surprisingly high in Shergar

New range of burger elsewhere too – my Lidl Pony

Had a burger last night from Tesco’s – gave me the trots .. Boom Boom

Bought some value hamburgers from Tesco last night, put them in the fridge, and they’re off….

Despite the recent news, Tesco’s say that their beef burger sales remain stable.

Also saw that their share price has been hurt this morning, but it won’t be fur-long !!

Watch the blog for more fun each week.

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